my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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