Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
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