I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
