It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Randomize
