My cat gives me a boner
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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