i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
