Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize