Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
