I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I want to walk on stilts...naked
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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