wakey wakey hands off snakey
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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