Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
This is the high leading the old right now
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize