I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
