Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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