dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
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