I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
