He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
