i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
