WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
