I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
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