He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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