remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I wanna passion pit in your ass
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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