my phone needs a breathalizer
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
I think i got beer on your cat.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
