I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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