How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
