Moan for me like Helen Keller
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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