I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
