glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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