i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Randomize
