A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
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