Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
