i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
