I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
