I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
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