New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
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