my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Randomize
