I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
