I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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