Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
