What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
