Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
