Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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