i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
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