why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize