I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
They are going to name an STD after you.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
