you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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