I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Randomize
