Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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