corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
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