He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
