from now on my penis is your penis
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
