Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Holy sore nipples Batman
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Randomize
