someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
