You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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