Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
