I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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