If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
