On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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