I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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