i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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