Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
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